Socialization Theory?
Or, How I Learned To Stop Looking And Start Listening
Bear with me, please. This might come off differently than I intend, but I'm going to try to resist the urge to insert a caveat every other word...
There is a (perfectly understandable and valid) common theme among ADHD/Autism/AuDHD content creators examining the traits common among women (at least AFAB women) and how they differ - at times dramatically - from the stereotypical (read: male/AMAB) presentations. This is good and right and wonderful to do. Focusing on the old notions and stereotypes is how so many people went undiagnosed and unsupported well into adulthood. This has disproportionately impacted women and information helping to support and uplift these is absolutely needed.
But...
The distinction that these traits are unique to female ND brains keeps triggering my Imposter Syndrome as I identify with these characteristics FAR more than the stereotypical ones. I'm definitely Inattentive ADHD Primary. I mask highly my social issues. Etc. Etc. Etc. I know (I think I know) these advocates are both aware men like me exist AND aware these "female" characteristics are not exclusive to women/AFAB (just more common in that group than in men and vice-versa). I know they're not intending to exclude the minorities that are men with "female" traits or women with "male" traits, but damn does it SO OFTEN feel that way, as a late-diagnosed AuDHD'er who struggles with Imposter Syndrome in so many ways.
I've been struggling to write a post about it (though, here it is) for the last few weeks, but I can't seem to find any articles about it or many people talking about it. I do have a theory, though I can't find anything but anecdotal evidence to support me...
Socialization
It’s no secret that, at least in the Western world, women are more commonly social than men. That is, social interaction and communication are more highly valued and stressed in women than in men.
While boys are often expected to develop self-sufficiency, strength, and determination (as exemplified in characters aimed largely at them), girls are encouraged to improve their communication, nurturing, and cooperation. Girls are expected to develop their social skills more completely and from an earlier age than boys. It’s more acceptable (traditionally, stereotypically) that boys’ hobbies and play include plenty of time alone (gaming, cars, superheroes, etc.) while girls’ include plenty of interaction with others (tea parties, princesses, baby dolls). As such, girls learn early (and often the hard way) what is and what is not socially “acceptable” behavior.
Boys can be loners. Girls cannot.
It’s in this early socialization that I think the true, foundational difference is made. Autistic/ADHD girls are “punished” earlier and more often for atypical behavior and, as a result, learn to internalize and mask their traits much more thoroughly. Might highly socialized boys not grow the same way, with similar characteristics?
My Childhood
I was born to a fairly public-facing family.
My mother was a teacher, well known and loved in our community. She was active at multiple levels of our school system, respected for her teaching and her talent (man, could she sing). Many of my teachers knew her before they knew me. All my friends knew her. All my friends loved her. Some of my friends called her “Mom.” (Yeah, that got a little weird sometimes.) As a result of knowing her, many knew who I was — at least in that I was Ms. B’s son.
My father was a preacher, well known and loved in our community. He was a public speaker by trade and a supportive and giving man to our town, even beyond our church congregation (he sings very well, too). Everyone in my church knew him. Everyone in other churches knew him. Everyone outside the churches knew him as the head of our church. Knowing him, many knew me — at least in that I was Rev. B’s son.
Once, when talking about how soon a newborn should be out in the world, my mother mentioned that I was in the church (in the nursery) before I was two weeks old. Though this may have been an exaggeration, I’ve no reason to doubt it and I’m sure it wasn’t much later than that (if at all). I literally grew up in the church, in front of people, interacting with people, from almost immediately out of the hospital.
I grew up surrounded by the community, beyond just my family. Almost immediately, I began getting the same sort of social feedback and pressure commonly “reserved” for girls. I had to behave in a socially acceptable way. I couldn’t be too loud, couldn’t move too much, had to learn to make and maintain eye contact (or tricks for it, at least), and so on and so on.
I was highly socialized. I learned to mask, early and thoroughly.
This is just my experience, of course, but I wouldn’t be surprised if other men autistic/ADHD/AuDHD men — who find themselves often identifying with those “female” neurodivergent traits — had similar upbringings. I wouldn’t be surprised if the early and thorough training through socialization with “typical” people is at the root of many of the atypical presentations and characteristics of high-masking women and high-masking men.
What do you think?